Holidays can be tough on kids and parents alike.

The holidays can be a time of great joy and elation for many children, adolescents, and young adults but can also be extremely anxiety producing because many fractured relationships with parents and problems in the dynamics of the family cannot be avoided. Also, many young people have an optimistic and idealistic image of what the holidays should, or must, be and these expectations cannot be reached sometimes, resulting in a great deal of letdown and sadness. Frequently the best intentions of parents, step-parents, and caregivers result in kids with unexpected moodiness and some severe behavioral problems around the holidays. Luckily, there are some things that parents can do. First, remember that preventing a problem is better than cleaning up the mess. If you suspect a problem arising be proactive and ask your child to speak with you in a quiet, private setting without any distractions. Be sure to look the child in the eye, demonstrate body language that shows that you care about what they are saying even if you don’t agree, monitor your tone of voice and speak to them with compassion.  Tell them what you notice in a non-judgemental way and ask them how you can help the situation. Ask open ended questions of them that attempt to identify some festering worries, and provide honest responses with as much information as possible relative to their worries.  Model appropriate articulation of your feelings and empathetic response around the circumstances of the problem and encourage them to speak to you through describing their emotions. Ask them to use reasoning skills at their developmental level to consider the best solutions of the problem, and provide a great deal of positive reinforcement to them for their effort, not necessarily for agreeing with you on an ideal outcome. From this discussion you will want to both agree on a problem and agree for each of you to do at least one thing as a follow-up in order to improve the situation. It is also a good idea to set up a meeting with them in the future to discuss how they are doing, how the suggested changes have affected the situation, and determine any necessary next steps. Remember that much of a child’s frustration develops from their perceived sense of loss of control, which they will naturally try to regain through verbal confrontations and acting out behaviorally. Children may also be striving for attention and justice, but may not recognize the consequences of what they are doing. Improving your communication will improve your relationship, which is directly related to your child’s global level of functioning.  Ultimately, if you feel that you have attempted everything in your power and things are not improving it is important to seek the appropriate professional help for the problem before it gets worse. Providing you child an opportunity to speak with a professional who can take interpret the situation objectively may provide a clearer view of the best path toward an improved outcome. Happiest holidays, warmest regards, and best wishes to all this season.

Michael Crane is a licensed professional counselor and school psychologist in private practice in Orange specializing in supports for children, adolescents, and young adults. His website is www.cranelpc.com.